I have a job. A job. I accepted it back in early June and conveniently forgot that it would start this week. And after this? I have to work for the next nine months. Oh, the torture. It leaves me no time for all the really important stuff. Like posting.

painted by caloden at 9:21 PM Leave a Comment in a popup, or the archives. (0)

Why is it that we breed? There is that tid bit about sex, something I dimly recall as being lovely fun. But other than that, why? First there is the pregnancy thing: barfing, nausea, sagging boobs, that lower saggy tummy thing that never goes away. Then there is the birth part, don't even get me started because it seriously sucked. All three times I participated in it. Then there is the no sleep infant thing. That damn nursing, sticky tits thing. The toddlerhood where EVERYTHING is sticky and chaotic. Things mellow out during the middle years. But then adolescence hits and it all goes to hell again. Through it all your body goes to crap, you lose your single friends, your wardrobe goes to shit and many a marriage crumbles in the wake, not to mention that red wine sounds better and better, even for breakfast.

So, again, I ask why do we do it? Sure, those Baby Gap outfits are super cute, soft tummies are so fun to nibble on and there is the occasional hug that makes you want to cry from its sweetness. But lately? I feel as though I have a precious young bird sitting in my hands and I am encouraging him to fly and test his tender wings in the wind of life. Only this bird? This fucker would rather sink his talons into my palms and peck away at my flesh in an effort to devour my life force while he simultaneously shits all over my wrist. That is how I picture parent hood today. Is that bad?

painted by caloden at 2:56 PM Leave a Comment in a popup, or the archives. (6)

Earlier this summer I bought the kids a trampoline on Craig's List, it cost me half of what a new one would have run me and it keeps the little effers entertained and out of my hair. Since then I have been poking about and composing my very own wish list of goodies. The amazing thing is that you can get nearly anything in the world there. Today my friend Kelly Lynne told me I could even find a mate there if I was so inclined. They have personal ads on Craig's List. Imagine, right there next to used cars you can sell yourself. Too much. Following are a few I found the most entertaining:

Light Bondage
I have tried for a long time, but I cannot talk my wife into light bondage. She just wont have it. A long time ago a girlfriend introduced me to it and we had a blast. I am looking for a secret woman who can meet up during the day. Must be very clean. Prefer a slim woman who can keep a secret. O yes, I am a white male.

LOOKING FOR A EBONY THICK QUEEN

I AM 37 I VIST JACKTOWN ONCE A MONTH SEEKING A RELATIONSHIP AGES 24-45 SEEKING THICK COUNTRY WOMAN I WILL TREAT U RIGHT SEND PIC. I AM FROM NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

Looking for a woman about 60 years old

When I read the last one I have a scary vision of my mother replying to something like this....

painted by caloden at 6:20 PM Leave a Comment in a popup, or the archives. (2)

Sometimes all I can do in regards to the teen child is to remember that I loved him from the very first secend when the doctors placed him on my chest after 36 hours of labor. That at that moment I promised to love him for the rest of ever. That I loved him through sleepless nights and potty training and ear aches and fevers. And that now, when he is establishing his independence and making decisions that can, at times, make me question my existence on this earth, now is the rest of the beginning of it all. I must continue to open my heart as I look at him, accept him as he is. That is a mother's love. But damn if it isn't so hard and driving me to look upon the box wine as the favorite, most blessed, part of these long summer days.

painted by caloden at 8:11 PM Leave a Comment in a popup, or the archives. (1)

The arrival of Devon in our lives changed everything. Everything. There is not a single area in our existences that is the same since he joined our odd family nearly four years ago. It goes deeper than the third child thing; beyond the fact that once he arrived there was open heart surgery, spousal tumult, financial issues and grief beyond description when we lost my father-all within 20 months of his short life. And as much as that kicked us all on our collective asses, it has become the norm. Tumult, chaos, noise -it is all in a day's gig for us. I am not complaining, just taking stock to clear up my head and make sense of it all. Because sometimes when I find myself unable to breathe and wondering what the hell is going on, I need to take a moment, plug into some music on my laptop and figure out how the hell I can pull my head out of my ass so that my kids don't suffer any the worse for it.

Summer is never a tranquil span of time in our house, as I suspect the case is in many homes. The age differences in the children ensures that most activities are not suitable for all of us to participate in at one time. Loren has friends and a busy social life, Cassidy is heading that way and Devon seems to need more quiet time at home with his toys. I often feel as though the room is spinning and I just want to curl up in a ball until it passes over. Only it doesn't, it keeps coming. Every day is a flurry of upheaval and I just want to find a constant in it all. A couple of days ago I realized there was indeed a constant, Devon and his Oddness. Usually I forget about this but recently it has reared its head in away I simply can't ignore. Aside from the fact that Devon hasn't ingested a bite of solid food in over three weeks -vanilla yogurt and milk is it, Devon is extremely particular about his clothing. Nothing fancy or flashy, mind you. Everything must be super soft, no tags and it is not unusual to find him dressed in a head to toe fleece ensemble in mid-June. But now he has added a Batman costume to it. Yepper. Boy howdy was I super bright when the other day in Target I agreed to buy him the outfit. It came in a bat shaped box and I thought it was just a mask. But when we got out of the store and opened it we found not only the mask but a cape and a full boy sized suit as well. Devon immediately whooped something incoherent as he jumped up and down and begged me to put it on him. All right. Eighty degrees out and completely covered in black nylon we proceeded on with our errands. The fellow patrons in Bed, Bath & Beyond and PetCo found him adorable and he, seeming to feel secure behind his mask, was willing to stop and grant an audience about his Batman opinions. Errands that would have taken us a mere 20 minutes ended up at nearly an hour.

The bat suit entered our lives five days ago and has yet to be abandoned. Devon sleeps in the suit part with the cape and mask lovingly hung next to his bed and waiting until morning to be donned for yet another day of crime fighting. He begs incessantly to sit at my laptop to watch the YouTube clips of the old, cheesy Batman cartoons. When he believes nobody is watching he acts out the clips and pretends to fly through the air. Totally cute and mostly harmless. However, if he collects a closet full of costumes and takes to wearing masks and tights on a daily basis I might start to worry. Just a little.

painted by caloden at 9:09 AM Leave a Comment in a popup, or the archives. (2)

The last few nights I have been staying up late in an effort to get in the entire first season of Big Love before it is due back, I am on a Heather, Be Good kick and I don't want to get any more bad karma with the library system. As I sit and watch the episodes I have begun to question if polygamy is really such a bad thing. I wonder if perhaps I had had a sister or two during my marriage if maybe I could have made it. Those women have a built in support system. Somebody to talk to. Somebody who understands the ins and outs of one particular man. The women on that show seem like they are in a sorority and have snagged the most popular fraternity boy to head up their winter formal. I could go with that.

Or not. Maybe polygamy isn't all fun games. Likely not, according to nearly anything I have ever read about it. But that show does give it a bit of shine and sass. And yes, I will go to hell for equating it with a Greek system fun show.

painted by caloden at 10:59 PM Leave a Comment in a popup, or the archives. (4)

I'm a bit of a shady character. Not in a baby pinching, puppy abuser sort of way, but I am flaky, unreliable and not apt to move my ass unless absolutely necessary. Some might say there is beauty in knowing one's self, others might say it is entirely pitiful to understand this part of myself and not do much to remedy it. Since it would take far too much energy to dwell on it, I am content to let it be. Most of the time. There are some times when I look at myself, or am forced to do so, and get a flicker of fire up my ass and I make the effort. The key part of that is being forced to do so.

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I got outed by the Library Ladies. It is an experience that I alternately rejoice about or feel far too naked about. Not only was I shocked to learn they had actually discovered my blog, I was mortified to admit that I had a staggering library fine for a Cars movie I had had in my possession for nearly 10 months. I ran into one of The Ladies a couple of weeks ago and she told me to turn myself in, that I was not at all the worse offender. She knew of one person who had a fine exceeding $300. I thought to myself, "Wow, what kind of a loser would have that sort of fine?" And made a vow to turn myself in. So a few days ago Devon, Cass and I ventured out to the library to face The Ladies and turn in our materials. First I had to stop by the video rental store to have all the scratches removed from Cars. No, I didn't scratch it, nor did anybody in our house. But one of the reasons I held on to it for so long was that I was worried the library staff would look at my sorry record of delinquencies and assume I was the guilty party for treating their materials so badly. Yes, I know that points at all sorts of paranoid baggage on my part, but if there is a sin to admit to I feel the need to 'fess up whether or not I committed the badness.

It turns out I was not the only one turning myself in for negligent library habits that day. Earlier in the morning somebody had returned a book they had checked out in 2001. That's something like seven years! What kind of slacker does that, I ask??? And me? My fine was a measly $20. Oh yeah, baby! Twenty bucks. Turns out that by actually returning the items, or most of them since Devon had long absorbed the Cars video box into his continuum, I whacked my fine down to almost nothing. In my excited state I chatted with the Library Ladies and all was good. We left the library with an entire season of Big Love for me and a Super Friends video for Devon, I felt so normal and filled with assurance that this time I actually will get them all in on time. As we exited the doors I still felt naked, but in a super good way.

painted by caloden at 11:10 AM Leave a Comment in a popup, or the archives. (2)

I love this song. From the moment I first heard it I was absolutely smitten. There is something so wonderfully 80's about it. Something very tears for Fears-ish. And the video screams of the earlier MTV days when they actually played videos all day.

I am not typically a Chris Martin fan. I find him to be a bit too annoyingly artsy/feminine in the way that English rock stars can be. But the mention of Catholicism and saints? Yummy. I like it. A lot.

painted by caloden at 3:00 PM Leave a Comment in a popup, or the archives. (2)

Every August Devon's preschool takes the entire month off of teaching. No, that's not entirely true. If August 1 happens to fall in the middle of the week the school ends for whatever precious bit of July is left in those days. Devon's schedule consists of three full days, and those days are the only times I can really accomplish anything. This week? This week I have accomplished next to nothing. I can't even make it to the shower. And it's not even August first yet. I am scared.

The next 31 days will be a test of wills. Some of us might not make it through. Some might get kicked off the island. Others might go AWOL. Some might get eaten for dinner. I just worry that if they opted to sacrifice one of us, it would be me. Cass and Devon wouldn't make much of a meal. Where as I am all soft and would make for some succulent snacking.

painted by caloden at 11:11 AM Leave a Comment in a popup, or the archives. (4)

As always, I am wildly entertained by just about anything Loren tosses together and edits. He shot this yesterday afternoon. I love the gangsta music combined with the terrorist that is Loren's little brother. Very fitting.

painted by caloden at 9:19 PM Leave a Comment in a popup, or the archives. (3)